some update

the bbq was fun...
thanz Sebastian for the invitation, thanz all of u for the fun i had...
and the funny powered faces...lolz...
the only nt fun part is Tony switch off my light when i am in the toliet...tt hell FREAK ME OUT...dun do tt again...
i almost cried...i am really scared off dark n i am NT KIDDING...

some thing is nt for me to comment on but dissappointed to noe...
I knew something will happen after she is gone...
but I did nt expect to be tt worst off...
things changes when she left my world...
things r nv the same...

sometime, once u lost someone or something they ain't coming back again...
no matter hw many pple sae time will heal but it a part of me tt was cut off literally...
dun tell me u understand...u dun...u dun understand hw it feel to be looking at her leaving further away from u day by day n nothing u can do to help...dun tell me urs is much worst off...i noe it hurts for u but u dun noe hw pain i am in, like i dun noe urs...so dun sae u UNDERSTAND...

to add on to the alreadi lost part, things changes...
pple changes...n it will nv be the same again...
i hate to noe, i am griefing for my lost n i am nt done wif tt dun add on to the alreadi hurting like hell wound...

i hell noe drinking is nt the wae...but like i care...i juz want to run away...
everything juz tigger off the pain, the scene in the proposal where the grandma is dying off...it juz make me cry when i thought she is really dying...
got to noe she onli acting, i juz got pissed off over a moive...haha...i noe it sound stupid...but can u dun play wif such stupid thing...it ain't funny for some...

bad dreamz...

I dreamt of my grandma ydae...my dreamz goes like tis: We r suppose to get out from the building for the reason I can't recall...I carry my grandma on my back n keep running...She juz say a word to me which was Thank you...all i noe is that i keep running down fleets of stairs n crying, n oso keep saying sorry to my grandma which I dunnoe why...As I run, she is getting weaker...Evenutally, She had passed on while I was carrying her which is to say she die in my care...That was when I woke up...I was tearing while I was sleeping so as to mean I was crying in my sleep...When I woke up sitting in the middle of the night crying again...It had been awhile since it happen...

Dinner & Dance

WOW, is the word for my D&D...it neither Dance nor Dinner, it was totally cam whoring...I only manage to eat the first 2 dishes, the rest of the time was drinking my glasses n glasses of red wine n photo taking session...I was super high...All I can tell u is our table had clear 4 bottles of red wine...Yes, I was part of the pple to help clear the wines...lolz...But I was nt wasted...I totally noe wat I was doing...after the D&D, We still join Gerald in Balaclava...So the result is another 2 bottles of beer dwn my stomach...lolz...it on Gerald...Thank Gerald for the treat....He does nt look very sober lolz...I noe u all will nt believe tt i was nt drunk when I said so...So I dun bother to explain, I can tell u I noe when to stop n hw to go home tt fine enough...After all the drinking, no puking n hangover for me as I am really nt drunk...the next day still wake up at 9am to edit my D&D photos den loaded it into facebook which is a muz for me...lolz...I was super tired after the D&D...I was very high so tt explained the free hugs photos in facebook...lolz...got to go, i still nd to study...ciaoz...

bz bz

I had been very bz recently due to my bridging course...had lotz of revision lessons and papers to sit for...I had been always trying to keep myself really busy, so I got no time to think about anything...

Sometime juz wonder if there is anything that is to be drink and I can have all my emotions removed...I do not mind being a living dead...I juz dun wat any emotions tt all...sometime I juz want a shoulder or an arm to lean on n counted on, so I do not need to rely on myself always...but I noe I am nt living in a world of fairy tales, there ain't some prince on white horse galloping towards me for resuce...lolz...so after lying on the spot where I fall no matter hw reluctantly I still had to stand up on my feet n charge forward...Hw I wish I haf an elder brother to rely on...

I noe u will get hurt, so pls dun come near me...I will keep a distance wif u...It nothing to do wif u, u r a very nice person but I juz do not want or need any other more commitment...I had more den enough...beside i can't stand the after effect too...so leave me alone...

Looking forward to D&D...going with a different group of pple...*praying hard tt nothing unlucky will happen to me*...

update

pls dun be wry abt me, dun be so gd n kind to me...i am scared...
i dun want to allow myself to sink in n get stuck there, i am stuck enough...
someone juz remind me of yc, always so quiet; always had to guess wat he thinking; nv gd in expressing himself...always i am doing the toking, seriously sometimes i start to see yc shadow in him...i noe i still dun want to give up on yc, but i nv will haf the courage to tell him...
he had gf nw, shld be spending his life very peacefully i dun want to be the person tt stir up a roar
i hate myself for losing the courage to love again...
i hate to wallow in self pity n sadness but i cannot help but emo...
all i can sae is i am feeling better, i had find back abit of smile, laughter though sometime can't help to think it wrong to smile when i juz lost someone nt long ago...i am starting to eat abit more n slp better in the night...though i still will cry, still will daze out at the very least i am better den b4...i am recovering tt all i can sae...

我好累。。

我周围的人以很习惯了我的坚强的个性，所以他们都会说她会没事的。
她很强，没事的没事得。我真的没事吗。
我不这么觉得。我说了我有事但你们又无法帮我，
可是同时你们也会期待我告诉你们我有多么有事。
可是我就是没办法告诉你们我的感受也懒得解释
所以选者说我没事你们明白吗？
我只需要时间来冲淡所有的一切。。。
原来没事说多了人都会相信甚至连自己都会相信。多可笑啊。
人的大脑真是不可思议。

Juz unhappy

my gran had passed away...

the wake was i dun noe how to tell u, i was unhappy wif something tt my aunt did but wat to do? i will juz walk away n pretend tt i did nt see or hear, tt the best i can do...
i dun want to fight on my gran wake...everyone there is sad i dun want to add oil to the fire tt already burning...

Yinling mention tt gran's spirits told her tt she dun want anyone to cry on the charm or on the chu bin dae...she juz want us to be happy n live on...if we cry for her, she will be upset...all tt she ask for was when her death anniversary juz bring along her fav food n her fav clothes for her, she will be happy enough...for her grandchildren, muz study hard...last she requested us to send her off with a smile instead of tear...after hearing tt i juz broke down, i feel so heartbroken upon hearing tt...I am sorry gran, i can't send u off with a smile all i can do it try n0t to cry...but i can't even stop myself from crying...I MISS U GRAN, I MISS UR SMILE...when i shut my eyes, these dae my gran smile will juz appear in my mind....gran r u trying to tell me tt u r happy nw? gran can u juz appear in my dreams to tell me if u r no longer in pain or hw u r doing or r u adapting to the netherworld? all i ask for is you r at peace tt all...

being moody...

i had been super moody tis daes...dun noe y lei...the bank had a court case to fight n i had to appear as witness for the case...i am nt pissed off becoz i had to appear in court...i am unhappy tt my ex boss nv even prepare me or even ask me for consent abt it...he juz push me to the lawyers n think his job is done...i had no choice over tis, i had to appear in court if nt the email will nt be able to present as an evidence in court...i juz had alot of unsaid unhappiness toward the whole thing...n i had some stupid money problem tt haunting like a never ending nightmare...ever since i started working, i had nv gotten a gd job tt can give me a gd pay den leave home on time...b4 i started in SCB, i thought DBS is super long working hrs who noe SCB is worst i nv reach home by 6.30pm i had to even work till 3.30am...all tis 1&1/2yr i work real hard to finish all i could but it was all nt recognized...i had to ot till i left wif haf my life den i had the same pay as dine who nd to work 10 plus dae a month...when pple can happily study their uni, i had to fret over the money for my sch...when i want to go interview to get a better pay, i was question y am i so ambitious wanted to haf tis haf tt in my life? do u think i like to fret over tis things? ask mi to throw away my trouble...u tell me hw? ask me to tell u wat happen, even if i sae it out u oso can't help me...it juz stick me to like a superglue i can't rid it off...i juz wish tt i am dead...i dun wish to live anymore but i can't commit suicide if nt the inssurance company will nt pay my family...i really wish to leave tis disgusting world...y didn't i really let u all eat curry chicken in phuket at the very least there is frenz to bring my ashes back to s'pore...i juz want to fade away n vanish into thin air....

2 September 2009

well, my dae ain't gd at all...i had my interview for jetstar airways at 9...first we had some interaction session after which there are some activities to do...the first one was use 7 different shapes to make up 11 identical square....follow by a sales pitch...the last of the activities was to do the IQ test...the rest of the question ain't hard, the only one i cannot figure out was the identifying the cities on the map...well i sucks in that...last was the final one to one interview which i did not make it through...i am only abit away from the job...well, nvm at least i made it this far...i am contented liao...after tat meet mel n dine to go waterloo to pray at the temple for the trip tml...after tat we went to lai lai for dinner...after which dine n me went to the library for the phuket trip research...but we find nothing much from the book n dine can't find her baby blues...we went home after tt...when i reach home i hear tat my granny was warded into CGH...wow, wat next interview fail, down wif cold n cough, granny warded into hospital...haiz...well, the only positive thing i had was at least is nt the worst as i had been through b4....

3 Septmber 2009

i had went to hospital juz awhile ago...the doctor say my granny's heart was fine, it was juz an old relaspe of her previous condition...well had taken x-ray for waiting for report now to see if a sugery is needed or not...i can only wait till tonitez...i am flying off to phuket tonitez...so see ya on 6 September...

MAYDAY Concert

I went to MAYDAY concert ydae...it was so cool...they sung all lot of songs...like
DNA
如烟
你不是真正的快乐
温柔
知足
夜访吸血鬼
天使
孙吾空
突然好想你
离开地球表面
恋爱ing
笑忘歌
最重要的小事
出头天
倔强
Hosee
志明与春娇
放肆
终结孤单
疯狂世界
爆肝
我心中尚未崩坏的地方
春天的吶喊
垃圾车
雌雄同体
约翰蓝侬
叫我第一名
人生海海
一颗萍果
赌神
轧车
彩虹
憨人

the whole concert was super high...got a lot of effect as such sudden explosion which caught me off guard...firework, snowing effect...the concert was worth the money...though the concert was awesome but one thing i dislike was it was dark almost all the time, i noe dark den got feel n the entire crowd with light stick will look amazingly beautiful i juz feel uneasy in the dark tt all...thank to Joelle, she brought along the light stick which is yellow...so it was at least bright enough for me...i nv let the yellow light stick out of my sight, as i noe if it goes out of my sight i will start freaking out...as MAYDAY promise to sing past midnight, the concert ended at 12.30 like tt...i took a bus home alone after the concert coz Joelle live in kakit bukit area so we took different bus...the bus onli reach till mel home area, so i had to walk home as i dun want to spend money on cab as it has midnight charges....the area is dark...so freaky, so i held out my light stick to calm myself n keep calling my frenz to see who is nt aslp to keep me accompany to distract me from my fear...jas got project to rush, vin emotionally no stable, dine overnight flt, mel sleep early, teddy bear bear switch off the fone, linus did not reply me so i guess he had fallen aslp, heng i found philip n rain not aslp yet...they accompany till i reach my void deck...seriously i was super scared...okok, i noe i timid...

原来要找人陪我走一条暗暗的路有这么难，
只有在这种时候我就会想如果有男朋友陪我就好了。。。
不过，算了我路也走完了，吓也吓过了，怕也怕过了，就算是一个人也无所为了。。。
在演唱会听五月天唱现场的突然好想你，也让我想起一直想遗忘的人。。。
这首歌也让我想起了我不开心的去年12月，
那时的我把脚跌断了也让我在那时发现了我不想听到或看到的消息。。。
因为你的一句我怕你累，
就否定我所有的努力的说要离开我的世界。。。
是你说要进入我的世界，想要好好的了解我但是你没做到就离我而去。。。
就当我已习惯了依赖你，你就把我像个没人要得布娃娃丢掉。。。
我至今无法忘了那种可怕的感觉。。。
你是第一个我真的真的喜欢上的人，所以你说的话我都听。。。
不要穿太短，不要去clubbing，不要跟此他的男生那么要好。。。
你说的我都做了。。。
我也不要救你一定要来接我下班，我知道你很累。。。
我已经试着体谅你了可是你却给我全世界最可笑和最痛的理由分手。。。
对我来说是一种污辱，你说你变了心我会接受的放你走可是你不是。。。
我不想说了。。。ciaoz...

hmm...ur

Well, 4 more days for me to move to a new job...yeah, finally can leave this freaking tiring job...from 27 Aug onwards i will be able to leave at 5.30 sharp...lolz...nw i can laugh it Aloy n Linus who had to go home on at 6...lolz...they r not able to release me early as there is freaking increase of hire...but thing is it was nt less in the first place...heard Jessica reporting the number of hires we had in the month of July...we had 200 plus man..deduct away the 25 pple for FGIP...oh man, no wonder we r freaking overwork...One Happy news: Esther had given birth to a Baby Boy...he is super cute...Esther rest well during ur maturity leave and i hope u find a better job...coz it really no point stay there as they r not thinking of hiring pple...you will be super tiring can, dun torture yourself...last update, I am going to Phuket on the 4 september...well i will had someone to took over me...who will be sweet young thing...lolz...porkster, Linus and Andy thank me ok....becoz of me you all can see sweet young thing...lolz...so better be nice to me...lolz...

play bball

in the early afternoon, went to seoul garden and eat the student lunch...heehee, though it student lunch it was still expensive, it cost me 14.40 for it...well nvm as i got eat 14.40 worth of food tt the most important thingy...finally went for bball game ydae...super shiok i really sweat a lot and dine they all say my whole face turn red...lolz...tt onli happen when i really exercise alot..plus i still had flu ydae...lolz..ya, i noe u all will say sick still can play bball...lolz...well i juz can do it...lolz...den accompany dine go swimming after went to aston and eat...it was funny ydae...and we had a lot gerls tok...tt the best part...

went to ion on sunday(part 1) & confused (part 2)...

went to ion (part 1)

went to ion wif vincent, geraldine & cheng xi...ion got alot of shops but we got no time to shop as we meet up quite late at 3 plus as it was a last min join in...opps cheng xi did i ruin ur date wif dine...lolz...coz initially was only cheng xi n dine meeting together den dine dun want to be alone wif him so i join in...but dun noe y vin come..lolz...aniwae heng he came at least i dun look so extra...lolz...seriously got time i want to go ion again...got a lot of things to shop though i got no money...i juz go see see look look lo...i nw officially a poor student..lolx...yeah i finally watch harry potter le...yahoooo....but the movie was like a bit duh, honestly i dun think it good...the movie like very low budget lighting very poor, as most of u noe i dun like to be in dark places as i feel unease...okok la, i noe u all will be saying actually it scared not unease lo...fine, watever i am the Zena warrior that is afraid of everything given by Philip...whichever sound better to u...lolx...reach home at 11.15 quite late, as i normally tend to stay at home more on sunday...but i enjoy myself...


confused(part 2)

todae i was called back for help as todae had nt enough pple for work coz farra & catherine on mc, shannon had left us...so sudden my boss become very concern abt me...this send chill down my spine...it make me felt like i am back in DBS the fake pple environment again...this is seriously eeeekkking me...i am still gone be there to see her though i am no longer in the dept...it juz freaking disgusting...dun act like u care when u dun...it seriously gross me to the core...ok tt all for todae...got to go slp liao...i nd to train myself to wake up early in the morning to take bus as i will be receptionist soon so cannot anyohow spend money...haiz...nitez n sweet dreamz to all my beloved frenz...

makan & pissed off

went to kovan & makan the teochew porridge ydae and went to have beancurb at seleige ydae...yummy and super bloated...i had ask phyllis for a early release for 3 daes in order to settle my school loan thingy but when i give her time sheet to sign she say this stupid comment that make me piss off...i did nt answer her...coz she ask me y i came back on sundae to work, as if i like it...den i reply coz i cannot finish my work as the volume of hires is increasing...den she say if u can go off early y u cannot finish...i had been stay very late, later den u k...the other time u promised tt if i nd to leave u r ok wif 2 weeks nw, i only ask for 3 daes earlier u haf problem wif it...damn it...wat is ur problem...ur volume increasing, ur portfolio increasing u cannot take it...it nt my problem..dun vent it on me...i did nt ask for 2 weeks, u shld thank god for it...argh...dun want to tok abt it liao...super pissed off...ciaoz...

i had tender liao....

dear frenz,

i am super happy ydae...i had tender my resignation and had decided to move on to my study....but i had yet to work out for my loan but at least now i had got a plan though it nt easy but it ain't that hard to move on though...i finally can leave liao...i somehow feel bad for my colleague now as they will be taking on more work den ever...as i, shannon, amrita is all leaving...plus Esther will be on leave since september...OMG, i can imagine the amt of load they have....I am really sorry, but i can no longer take it as i had totally lost interest in the job due to alot of factors....but i still love all of you guys...really thank u so much for the guidence and care you all shown me...Esther and Joelle, i love the both of u most...i will miss u all...but we can always still meet up ritez...i dun mind go bala meet u joelle...lolz...i will miss Yusof and Linus too...coz they both of them always listens to me whine but they nv once complain abt it always let me whine...lolz...thank you so much the 4 person who play a real important role in my SCB life...love u all lotz...

Fretting...

yes, i am fretting over my school loan stuff...I can't get a guarantor for my loan...I am out of any ideas to be able to work my way through...my work took too much of my time n effort tat i can't focus on my study...in order to study i had to go hence i will work there as receptionist as it near my school even after it move it near my hse...but at tis stage nothing is cfm tt i can get the place...well 船到桥头自然直, if not worst come to worst drop into the sea lo...as i noe how to swim guess i still will nt die after all...i will find out more info from my school...i can't let my 4k to waste as i had pay it for the bridging course...my hard earn 4k...nw i die oso muz get degree so i can move on in life...i will nv be contented with the current life i had...I willingly to work judging by the amt of OT i work over the 1yr plus...i can cfm say i am nt a lazy person...i can say i am very hardworking to try complete my job...but i am really tired...well, juz let me be emo n i will get over it soon...i hope...

Moving on...

I had decide to leave my current company as I had completely lost interest in the job...but actually had to settle a lot of things for me to move out of the job...first i need to settle my school loan, cfm that I had get a full loan b4 i can start school...I will be asking Kelly Services to try get me the receptionist job in SCB at Plaza by the Park coz it near my school...part of the reason is openly known by u guys...part of it is I still love the pple there who they are Esther, Yusof, Joelle, Jessica, Jessie, Duncan, Liana, Farra, Gavin, Aloysuis, Andy, Linus, Rae, Sandra. They are really nice people to work with and they are very kind and helpful to me...Seriously, if nt for them I had long left the job...I will miss them alotz if i cannot secure the receptionist job outside...if that really the case, well I will have to move on...beside I need MONEY too...haiz...this is the word i hate and love most...yes, i had a love-hate relationship with money...hate - is becoz no money no tok, which most of the case i got no money...love - well who dun love money ritez the more the merrier...if pple ask me if i am happy with my life, i will tell u i am unhappy...i had too much on my plates that it is wearing me out...i haf to move on till i can no longer move...but i had no solution to some of the things on my plate...i hate to lose control of things in my life but everything seem to lose control in my life eversince dun noe when...我想哭但是哭不出来...i juz hope everything will be fine till i finish my school...

steamboat...yummy

we had steamboat at lip's hse todae...i started off with my cereal prawns cooking at 1.30pm, i ended the cooking at 3.30, after tt went to bath n chong down as wai, vin & ted was waiting for me in the car...lolz...i was late for haf an hr...lolz....sorry guys...reach lip hse at 4 plus...waiting for lip to finish his bathing den left for supermakert shopping at 5 plus...we brought a total of 108 plus of things...lolz...quite a lot...i juz love shopping at supermarket...went back to wash and prepare all the food at 6 plus...started the feast at 7.35 there about...lolz...with pei ming joining us a bit later...finish our first round at 9pm...den pei ming n rain went to buy ice cream...OMG...my fav...yummy *love* but it sinful...thank god they got buy dark chocolate ice cream...*my fav*...i drink a bit of the vodka tt we brought at giant as i am nt feeling very well hence only drink half a cup...haiz..better take care of myself...after we start our second round as there is still a lot of food left...we try to squeeze what we can into our stomach...we watch Harry Potter together n snacking while watching the moive...i had eaten alot today...shit, i sure gain weight...it look like it time to visit the doctor for dieting pills...lolz...philip say i eat one tub of ice cream after tat muz eat one tub of diet pills to balance it out...lolz...

the song that i love recently~~~妥协

你总爱编织谎言我负责配合表演
所有改变只为了进入你的世界
这情节重复了一百遍
才发现是你的心太野

你划定楚河汉界我不能轻易犯规

所有时间都是先给了你优先权

不自觉爱到不敢冒险

成了你的傀儡一年两年

才看见我有多狼狈

爱到妥协到头来还是无解

绑着你不让你飞

历史不断重演我好累

爱到妥协也无法将故事再重写

你已下最后通牒


我躲在我的世界
你只是害怕一个人睡
我不想再为你掉泪
我了解不会变不再徘徊
开始自己的明天

the song super sad, it saying that the bf having another gerl but becoz he is used to the gf hence did nt break up...den the gf cannot mingle into his world but dun want to leave either hence she is trying to give in to get into his world...well, i can only say the gf is really silly to give in and keep lying to herself that one day she will be able to change this...haha...but the fact is it might nt be the case...the world is a harsh place to live in...get out of his world if u think u r tired of it, get out when it no longer a 2 parties affair anymore...dun nd to hurt yourself further...i noe u all will be saying it easier say den done n will say i dun understand....haha, but in fact i do understand...i noe hw hard it is to retreat n draw out from it but i did it...so dun tell me u can't, it only u dun want to...

Vincent 's Bdae

First of all, Happy Bdae my dear frenz Vincent...dun emo so much as you had aged 1 yr liao..lolz..but i guess u now super happy...lolz...went to aston to haf dinner n celebration todae...the food there is nt bad n affordable...one main dish n two side dish cost me onli 6.50...worth it *thumbs up*...but the q took us 1 hr...almost die of standing on heels...lolz...really lots of work recently...super sianz as days goes by i getting more sick of my job...but well life ain't a bed of roses, so i had to face it...but i think my bed haf more thorns den rose....lolz...ok i better go shower and slp liao..tml got to work n CEO of Singapore SCB coming...haiz...

I am back...

wow, ever since the last post which was dated 21 March 2008...lolz...at the point when ot is nt needed for me...now at 15 JULY 2009 looking back...i had been oting since may 2008 till now...well, shld nt had say tt i haf no ot, it a bad omen a jinx...lolz..i had been through a lot of thing for the past 1 yr or so...the fall back in dec 08 let me had a cast on my right leg...it a unforgettable event for me...why make me unable to attend D&D which i waited anxiously for it...i noe u all will say there is still nxt yr but the thing is sometime when thing had been missed they will nt be the same again...though D&D is an annual event but the theme will be different, the pple attending will be different...u dun say u will understand hw i feel when u dun though i noe it out of gd intention...had been really moody & stress recently...so sian n sick of my work...i need to find back the passion that i had in the past...Dear Lord, please help me to find the strength n courage to carry on...got to go slp liao...nitez...will try to update so often as possible but no promise k...u noe money come first...lolz...juz kidding...love u guys...